Shoot me.

Seriously, Just. Shoot me. Right now. I have too much things to worry about and I am in the growing up age, I'm always getting out of control makes everyone around me sad and all that stuff. Why don't I just DIE already so then people can happy!!!! SO MUCH STRESS!! AP SCHOOL STUFF! SUMMER READING! STUFF! STUFF! STUFF! RELATIONSHIP! LIKE OH MY GOD I AM ABOUT TO HAVE MY ASTHMA ACTS UP LIKE RIGHT IN THIS MOMENT!!!!! uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!


Seriously, I don't know anything at all how to express my feeling to others. I care about him, but why can't I show it in a right way? What should I do now? I just want him to keep on track on his summer stuff. It is really important! I don't know if he sees the importance of it just yet, but he will see. He always sees it at the last minutes. Now what can I do. I just want him not to get so stress when it's time. I just want him to have easier time to deal with stuff by making him get on track of stuff. If he does not care, I just... don't know what to do anymore. In AP, things go fast, you can't slack off in one single second. I don't know what to do, things around spins around. Now I can't even do my own summer stuff. It's just... I am all surrounded by confuusion. I am really confused. Like really...


Woah. I changed fast. I am not the girl that he used to love anymore. Instead of making him happy, I put too much pressure on him. Instead of telling him to relax and have fun, I keep making him do school works. Instead of laughing with his jokes, I was seriously make him do the right thing. LIKE WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO ME?! I AM ABOUT TO EXPLODEEEE!!! I DON'T WANT THE NEW MEE!!!! I DO NOT WANT THE NEW ME AT ALL!!!

I used to denied the best opportunity of my life just for him... I did not go to the Upper bound, because I don't want to ruin our relationship.
I did not get a job even though there is one perfectly standing there and wait for me, just because I want to spend time with him.
I did not go and have fun with my family, just because I don't want him to be alone on webcam. I wanted to see him.
I did not talk and go out with my friends anymore. Because I wanted to talk and go out with him.
I did not go to Vietnam this year... even though I really wanted to.. Just because I want to be with him, beside him, support him no matter what, I need him. And I hope he will be needing me like I do... I love youu...

Those are nothing to me, I don't think it's even enough to sacrifice for love. I am always worrying about him. Now that we both got to AP classes. I want the best for both of us. But it seems like he does not want to do the work that much, now it is only summer, works are not that much yet, and he is already get lazy and mad when I tell him to work. What about the future? What am I going to do? My heart is dead every time I made him mad. There were never be this much confusion around me in my whole life. I really totally lost. I don't know what to do anymore...

Or maybe I do... a horrible thought.... but.. I might do it just for our love...

If he can't take it, I will drop out AP classes. I don't want the new me anymore. I want the old me, the one that he has always been loving. I want to have great time with him, not these stupid stress pressure moment. I want our laughs, our love, our real happy time together without getting mad at each other back. I can give up the challenge that I had always wanted to take, AP classes, for our love. I don't need challenges anymore. (Who needs challenges? WHy am I stupid enough to like getting challenges and all?)... (: It is okay, right? SMILE DON'T BE SAD YOU SILLY PANDA (: , he is the only one that is important. I can give up anything... just for him to be happy.

Woaw. right here, right now. I don't know what am I thinking anymore... I don't know anything anymore... People said I will have hard time in life in the future. Now I am already facing it... I can't stand strong anymore... I feel so weak... I don't know what to do...

Babee, I don't know how to let you know that you are the only one that I love, I don't know how to let you really understand it.. Babee I love you...





S E R I O U S L Y

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!!!!!!!!!!!

My life is wonderful as the way it should be again (:

Lovely! Everything is just lovely! It is just like old times, babe and I finally understand how important are each individual to each other. I am so happy because I feel like I love him more than yesterday, but not enough for tomorrow (: Babe, you really made it. We finally get over those problems and now we are just great. I love you ong xaa. I feel so much younger since I don't have to worry about our weird problems anymore. I love you, just so much :3

Yesterday, I felt like I am actually your only wife since I put the rice and food for you into the lunch box so you can go home and eat it I don't want you to get hungry because I know you are my little lazy butt x). I just can't stop smiling. My life is so happy and awesome and wonderful and AMAZING to have you being with me. It is just the best thing happen to me in the world. EVER.

I can't wait to the future. By saying the "future", I also mean the next second, minutes, hours, years, centuries. I am going to love you more and more and moree until my heart has to explode by filled with love but it will never be exploded apart. Since my heart is to huge and I will never stop loving you.

LALALLALALLAA I am just so happy. It is so hot in the room right now (uhh kind of out of topic but ooh well xD)

JUST GET A NEW NEWS!! I MIGHT GET A JOB IN THE SUMMER TUTORING MY SISTER'S BOSS'S KID!! (: WOOOOT WOOOOOTT!! It is getting better and betterr!!

I LOVE YOU BABEE!! I LOVE MY LIFEEEEEEEEEEEE!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTT (:

Eh.

stuff happens.

It was me.. again....

I knew it was mee.. again.. as always.. I am always the one who hurts him and me and our love. Why do I have to be so stupid? Uhh..

Don't know what else to say. It was me, and I am stupid enough to make the same mistake over again. Why can't I show more love to him over the phone?...


Uhhh...

I am so stupid.

I feel dead.

~10:19 pm

May 3rd 2010. Happy Day (: ... and yet its sad, and stressful.

It was a busy time over the weekend since there was so many homeworks and Vina birthday and babe got grumbie. Well Daddie's bday was in May 1st. And yes I wanted to make him happy but I don't know how cause now I am a big girl, it is hard for me to show my feeling to my parents. But I do love daddie, and mommie, a lot. (:

Today was a reallllllly hot day ! But babe was so happy makes me happy for almost the whole day! Spending time with him is the greatest thing and sleep on his arms make me feel like the luckiest girl ever!! But yaa i still had to go home, and get home, and tears ran out.. Mom yelled at dad over stupid uncle and aunt's problem. For the first time around this year, seeing the tears in dad's eyes hurt me a lot. I really feel bad for him and wanna do something about it. But I'm just mee.. helpless and useless, I can't ever done anything that makes them happy. Weird.. but that's true.. I feel really sad.. Everyone has their own sad moment, so do I. My family is just.. powerless, other families based on their money and face and just doesn't bother to think about our feelings. I don't know and not sure if it is true, but it seems like it. And to me, that hurts. Dad doesn't think before he said something and he doesn't mean it when he said it. So it's not his fault for being so lousy and stuff. He's my dad, I respect him no matter what. And no one hurts his feeling. I said so, no one hurt his feeling. Or else they will have to pay a lot more. Yes I SAID so.

Haizzzzzzzzz so stressful over family's stuff. And now babe is being grumbie again. But I think it is not really the main reason, I know he is mad at me because I am too quiet and made it boring. Uhh I tried to be happy and make him happy but it is extremely difficult for me to be talkative when I was so sad and stressful.. Sorry babe, I guess I was wrong again. Now this also hurts me makes it a double hurtful things. My mind is tired by thinking too much. My heart hurts, physically and mentally. It is hard for me to breath, and I wanna cry. I wish you'd be there for me... Ong xa oi I really need you to be here with mee.. I really want to share with you my feeling.. I feel so sad and stress and hurt and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! IM EXPLODING! I know crying is not the answer or to neither to help me feel better. But I can't do anything else and I can't stop myself. Everything is burn inside me and idk why it happened. Ong xaa oii, I'm sorry for being soo uhh stupid I guess? I love youuu. I don't want you to be unhappy or grumby. It makes everything turn out badly for me and I don't know it just hurts me a lot and I know it also hurts you. Babe I'm sorrryy. I lovee youuu. YRME..

Sad pandaa.
10:14 pm~

Apr 24 2010's Afternoon.

Yesterday was a happy day! Even though all night and in the morning yu were mad at me but after you got to my house. Everything is fine again. We love each other so much and everything he did make me sooo happy and I feel like the happiest person in the world. He is just the person who understands and loves me most in the world. I can not live with out him and that is just right. I think that I can't leave you for any second because even though we are on webcam, we are so weird to each others and it bugs me a lot I don't know what is my problem. It seems like on webcam, everything I do bothers you, makes you sad or feel weird. Uhh I just don't get why ong xaa, I just wanna make you happy like what you did to mee, but whyy can't I do itt?!! It's like for every now, we are mad and being weird at each other at least once, it really makes me feel so down and sad and I know that you feel the same way. I try to it, but I don't know what is the best idea. I am so tired of myself because I always making you sad and stuff, I wanna hit myself, so hard, so I can wake up and know the right solution to make you happy all the time. I'm just so stupid right babe?

I need you ong xa, I really do. You are my everything and I hope you know that. It's just I think now there are more complicated stuff that happened in our lives. My nosy family knows about us and keep getting on our way. Our summer jobs, our summer reading stuff, our A.P's classes, School works, ect. So many things that happened and something I don't even know what to do. To keep balance on all these things are not easy, but I'm always trying to make everything the best as I can. But the thing that I will never give up and will never lose to is our love! I make sure that nothing will interupt and hurt our relationship because babe, I really can't live without you..

Ong xa it is our relationship, we needa solve things out together, because that is how we build our love stronger, I believe in you and in our love babee!

I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUU!
I PROMISE I WON'T MAKE YOU SAD ANYMORE! [WELL I WILL TRY THE BESTTT]
BABEEE YOU KNOW THAT I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOUUU!
SO JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU THINKK AND DON'T FEEL WEIRD ANYMOREEEEEE BABEEE
I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU, I NEED YOUUU IN MY LIFE TO KEEPS ME LIVING !!

Wo ai nii :}

Happy 11 Months anniversary! I love you babe! & I also need you to trust me.. that is how I can keep moving on in life..

Happy 11 months! I am so happy and thankful for everything that we had done for each other. Without you, I wouldn't know and feel the real and true happiness. Without you, I wouldn't even know how to face complicated situations and I wouldn't believe in true love if there was no you. Babe, I really love you and you know it. I just cannot describe it and I hope it will last forever since I believe, and I hope you also believe in us too. It was a happy day with you coming over, I didn't go with your friends, but me. That really means a lot to me ong xa, like a lot. Because it would so lonely to spend anniversary of us on my own. Ong xaa, I always hope and hope and hope that we are going to be forever because I can't wait to our future. And I know it's a long way there. But I will never give up because sometime I make you sad, make you feel bad, I make myself tired because of me. But I still stand up and believe in out love because my heart is too strong and because you already really really took my heart away with you and I can't live without it. you really did. I don't know what you think about me every time I make you disappointed, I'm really sorry for all I did and I hope you will forgive me and will never give up, just like me.

Ong xa, I need you to trust me, even though I disappointed you many times already, but I promise I will fix my mistakes and I did and I will. I know you really worry about a lot, and I am too. But aren't you want me to be careful? Everytime I come back to you after a while not on the phone or on webcam with you, I really tell you the truth what happened. I told you that I'm hurt and I really hurt. I told that something went wrong when there's really some wrong thing. But there are also time that nothing happened to me and I am all good and I told you that, why don't you believe me? Am I suppose to come back and come up with something that caused by my clumpsiness? :{ Babe I promise you to be careful and I know I can't perfectly doing that all the time, but I try and I success sometimes. Right babe? I know you are really worry about me and what I told you hurt you :{ Im sorry ong xaa, I just really mean it and that was I really thinking and that was nothing happened, I was careful and nothing happened to me, I'm seriously telling the truth. And the truth makes you not talking to me anymore.. Why ong xa? Sometime I'm really lost of what I did and what makes you sad. I promised myself to always tell you the truth, and that will happen until forever. I know I am such a clumpsie and weird and crazy person but.. you told me to try to be careful and I did.. Why is it make you feel like I'm telling you lies?... Ong xaa, please believe in me.. I really need you to trust me ong xaa because I told you I will never lie to you ... Ong xa and I mean it..

Sometime it's hard to tell how I feel, babe everytime you are not talking to me anymore, I feel like ehh idk what am I going to do how am I going to fix it even though sometime I don't even know why what I did wrong to make you mad or sad. Babe it is really a very very very bad feeling.. I need you to be by my side and always trusting me just like what I always do to you. Babe I'm sorry for the moments that my mistakes make you so disappointed, but them all always done by accident and I always tryna fix it.. Ong xaa please don't ever give up and don't ever leave me a lone or not trusting meee. I really love you, I really need you. Babe you are the reason that keeping me alive.. sarangheyoo ong xa

Happy 11 Months, you are my everything ! Forever love
Apr 22 2010
7:42 pm